It’s shaping up to be a summer like no other—a summer when every single one of us is being asked to play by radically different rules. Multi-generational family reunions and neighbourhood barbecues are definitely off the table. Ditto for soccer tournaments, baseball games, and overnight camps for kids—or at least in their usual form. It’s a challenging time for everyone—and for parents in particular. What follows are some words of encouragement for any parent who is wondering if they actually have what it takes to make it through this one-of-a-kind summer. (Spoiler alert: You do!)
Yes, the struggle is real
Summer is a challenging time of year for parents at the best of times—and what we’re dealing with right now is anything but the best of times. In normal times—non-pandemic times!—we often find themselves caught up in a summer-long work-life tug-of-war, one that typically involves spending a small fortune on childcare and/or summer camp programs in an effort to feel a little less torn and a little less guilty. And, again, that’s in normal times—when all those kinds of programs are actually available to us.
Right now, most of those programmes and supports are simply not available (or not available in their usual form), which means that the stress associated with work-life imbalance has been dialled up immeasurably this summer. Add to that the fact that most of us are already three months into a massive (and previously unimaginable) work-life juggling act and you can see why so many of us are already feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. And summer hasn’t even officially started yet….
How to tame the feelings of guilt and overwhelm
The good news is that there are things we can do to tame the feelings of guilt and overwhelm; and it all starts with recognizing exactly what’s fuelling those less-than-great feelings. What we’re talking about here, of course, is “role conflict”—what happens when one of your important life roles collides with another one of your important life roles. Let’s say you find yourself feeling guilty about having to placate your toddler with yet another video while you participate in Zoom call after Zoom call at work—or embarrassed when your kids start fighting in the background when you’re on a conference call with your boss’ boss! What most of us are dealing with right now is pretty much a worst-case scenario when it comes to role conflict.
The question, of course, is what to do about it.
Here are a few ideas.
For starters, we can try to dial back the expectations that we’re placing on ourselves. A lot of those expectations might be perfectly attainable during normal times—but, as I’ve said repeatedly, this is anything but a normal time. You’re being asked to be all things to everybody all at once—and without having access to your usual supports. It if feels like it’s impossible, that’s because it is impossible. There’s simply not enough of you to go around.
We can also dial back the expectations that other people are placing on us. That might mean having a conversation with your employer about what’s realistic or even possible for you right now; or having a heart-to-heart conversation with your family about the juggling act you’re try to pull off right now and how they might be able to make that a little easier for you. (Okay, it’s tough to negotiate with a baby, but your teenager may be able to help you out a little.)
It also means having a strategy for “task switching” so that you can consciously redirect your attention from work to family and back again without feeling mentally exhausted and overloaded. That could be as simple as planning for interruptions and having a strategy for refocusing your attention once you’re able to switch back to the original task. (That could be as simple as writing yourself a quick note: “Do this next.”)
It also means having rituals in place to cue yourself and your family that you’re switching from family to work mode—and vice versa. That could be something as simple as stashing your laptop from work in a drawer when you’re finished your working day, as opposed to leaving it on the counter, where it is likely to beckon to you and intrude on family time. That’s mentally exhausting for you and your entire family. It can feel like you’re living in an office—and, really, who wants to spend their summer living in an office? Not you, not me, not anyone….
Acknowledge and tap into your many strengths as a parent
It’s easy to fixate on your shortcomings as a parent; it can be harder to give yourself credit for your many strengths. Here’s a quick exercise you can try at home that may make it easier for you to do just that.
Step 1: Think about a friend who knows you and your family well. What words would that friend use to describe your greatest strengths as a parent? Maybe you’re funny or creative or energetic or endlessly patient and kind. Who knows? Maybe you’re all those things!
Step 2: Then, once you’ve acknowledged those strengths, treat them as a resource you can draw upon this summer to make life easier and better for yourself and your kids. Let’s say your strength is creativity. Recognizing that strength might inspire you to find creative ways to deal with the work-family juggle or to plan the best-ever family “staycation.”
By the way: this is a great exercise to share with other parents you know who may be being really hard on themselves right now—and odds are that’s pretty much every parent you know….
Dare to make some exciting summer plans, even though those plans might have to be rejigged
Summer is usually a time of year when we make exciting plans, but this year a lot of us are worried about making those kinds of plans in case everything has to be cancelled at the last minute. (Hey, it’s an ever-present reality right now.)
And yet, having something to look forward to is important for parents and kids alike. Do any of us want to live through a summer where there’s not a single fun thing to look forward to all summer long (especially when that summer is arriving hot on the heels of a spring made up of oh-so-many disappointments)? No, we do not.
You’ll want to have a Plan B, C, and D — as opposed to just a Plan A — when you’re making plans this summer.
Fortunately, there’s a science-backed planning strategy you can use that will allow you to (a) make plans and (b) to adjust those plans as needed without feeling crushed by the resulting disappointment if your initial plan ends up being derailed. It involves making a plan, allowing yourself to feel excited by that plan, anticipating as many potential obstacles as possible, and then coming up with ways to troubleshoot those various obstacles. This strategy will increase your odds of being able to proceed with your plans—and make it easier to bounce back if you have to rethink or rejig those plans (as you very well might).
The strategy is called WOOP (which stands for “wish, outcome, obstacle, and plan”) and it is the brainchild of psychologist Gabriele Oettingen. Here’s how it works.
Let’s say you want to plan a family camping trip. That’s the wish. The outcome (what you want to experience) would be time spent in nature as a family. The obstacles might include not being able to book a campsite at a particular park on a particular weekend or dealing with a last-minute curveball if the parks have to close down again. You then come up with creative ways of dealing with all those anticipated obstacles—a plan, in other words. If you can’t get a campsite at a particular park, maybe you could try to get a reservation at a different park or maybe you could move your trip to a different weekend. If the parks have to close down again, maybe you could find a different way (a non-camping way) to spend time in nature with your kids. Anticipating and planning for obstacles makes cancellations feel less disappointing because hope is never entirely lost. Sure Plan A just fell apart, but you still have Plan B, C, and D!
Recognize that this still has the potential to be a pretty great summer, all things considered
It’s easy to focus on all the things that won’t happen—or can’t happen—this summer. But doing so can leave you feeling discouraged and defeated: like nothing about this summer is within your control.
But here’s the thing: some things are still very much within your control. For example, you still have control over the kinds of memories you choose to create with your kids this summer: moments of connection, conversation, and fun. That might mean seizing upon opportunities to learn and grow together—to engage in the deep thinking and shared reflection that doesn’t always happen when life is zooming along at its usual speed. And given everything that’s happening in the world right now, the moment seems ripe for heart-to-heart discussions and wild re-imaginings.
It all starts with resisting the sense of meaningless and powerlessness that so many of us are feeling right now, and choosing to make meaning and embrace your power instead. Remember: you have the opportunity to set the emotional tone for your family—to help your family to make this a really good summer. Maybe not the best summer ever, but a pretty great summer, nonetheless.
This blog post was based on my most recent parenting column for CBC Radio—on “Summer Parenting Strategies.”
Ann Douglas is the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and the author of numerous books about parenting, including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. Subscribe to her YouTube channel for practical tips and short messages of encouragement about parenting.