Spring is usually a season of happy anticipation for kids—a time to celebrate the return of the warmer weather and to start making plans for summer. That’s how things play out in normal times—but it’s already becoming pretty clear that kids are going to be asked to do a lot of things differently this year; and that they might even have to miss out on certain types of spring and summer experiences entirely as we continue to practice physical distancing.
It’s tough enough to deal with these kinds of disappointments when you’re a grownup.
It can be even harder when you’re a kid.
Here are some tips on helping kids cope with feelings of disappointment and even sadness about what simply might not be possible this year.
Acknowledge and accept your child’s feelings
This is hard to do as a parent, because it means accepting that your child is in pain: acknowledging all those painful emotions and giving her permission to talk through her feelings with you. It’s also incredibly important. Your child needs to know that you are strong enough to handle any emotions she might care to share with you, no matter how big or how messy. And if you end up shedding a few tears together—well, that’s okay! Your heart will probably break a little as you listen to your child—but it will be breaking in a good kind of way: the way that leaves you feeling more connected than ever to your child.
What I’m talking about is responding with empathy (attempting to see the situation from your child’s point of view) and then validating your child’s emotions (letting your child know that her feelings make sense).
When you’re able to respond in this way, you encourage your child to sit with these uncomfortable emotions as opposed to trying to run from them or pretend they don’t exist.
That’s so much healthier for your child.
Then, once she’s had a chance to express her feelings of anger, sadness, and disappointment, she will be able to start coming up with creative ways of dealing with the situation—of finding a way to make a bad situation a little less terrible.
Recognize that some kids will have a harder time coping with disappointment than others
Learning how to manage disappointment is a skill—and a skill that doesn’t come naturally or easily to every child. The way we develop a social-emotional skill like this is through practice; and with the support of another person.
The most important thing you can do right now is to be that strong, caring person for your child: to help her to work through these feelings of disappointment and to help her to recognize the importance of turning to other people for support in times of struggle. Because even the most crushing of disappointments becomes a little more bearable if you can ask someone else for help in shouldering that burden.
Understand what allows children to be resilient
Most of us do manage to recover from even the most crushing of disappointments. (Scientists have discovered that most of us have a baseline level of happiness that we return to relatively quickly after experiencing something really great or truly terrible—and, yes, it works both ways.) But in terms of what allows children to be resilient, it’s all about relationships. Children learn how to be resilient as a result of being in a caring relationship with a resilient adult. And if that resilient adult feels supported by the broader community—well, that’s where the resiliency magic really kicks in!
It can be helpful to give kids a peek behind the curtain: to share some of the strategies you are using to manage your own feelings of disappointment and to find ways to bounce back from those disappointments. In addition to modelling your own resilience and coping skills in real time, it can also be useful to share stories about times you yourself were faced with a particularly crushing disappointment, back when you were a kid. The fact that you’re still standing here today will be living proof that it’s possible to weather these kinds of disappointments, no matter how terrible they feel at the time.
Kids need to know that they can learn to manage their feelings of disappointment—and that the process does get easier over time and with practice. And when you witness their resilience, be sure to shine a spotlight on it. Encourage them to notice and celebrate their growing ability to cope with life’s curveballs. Because that’s definitely worth celebrating.
Ann Douglas is the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and the author of numerous books about parenting.
Ann Douglas is the weekend parenting columnist for CBC Radio and the author of numerous books about parenting, including, most recently, Happy Parents, Happy Kids and Parenting Through the Storm. In recent weeks, she has been hosting a series of online events on parenting in the midst of a pandemic. She has also launched two new video series: A Postcard from Ann Douglas and We Got This! Parent Support During COVID-19 with child psychiatrist Dr. Jean Clinton.